For someone who said they hated Afleck's movies I sure do like a lot of them. Maybe Armegedon was just the worst movie ever and that's what I will always remember about him. But this is a sneaky good movie that never did make it in the theatres. It stars Russell Crowe as a journalist who is investigating the death of a congressman's ( Affleck ) aide. Its entertaining thru out and its another who did it and why. Rachel McAdams plays Crowe's sidekick. I have to get this off my chest... McAdams is so overated in the hotness department. I don't get the attraction. Good actress but looks wise...ehh. And seriously do we have to capitalize the "A" in her last name? So annoying. No wonder Crowe didn't want to hit that. But I'm sure Ben did. That guy will hit anything.
4/5 Stallones Reviewed by Casey
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This was the first movie I actually liked Johnny Depp. The movie follows Crane to Sleepy Hollow where he is asked to find the a killer who is decapitating heads up in that place. Of course the headless horseman is doing all of this, which is played by the very handsome Christopher Walken. But there is more than just the headless Horseman doing the killing. Depp then kind of falls for a very young Christina Ricci. I mean really young. She looked like she was 8 years old in this movie. Of course the movie is directed by Tim Burton who hadn't been Bonham Carter'd yet. I mean we all know he had a thing for young girls back then. I mean look at the guy. He's a dead ringer for didler of the year. Anyways very entertaining movie because its a who did it. And we can all agree this should have been Depp's last movie with Burton.
3.5/5 Stallones Reviewed by Casey I'll tell you what, I've never heard of this Otm Shank guy other than when he voiced that kid's cowboy toy. Man can that guy act. He's in about 95% of the scenes in this movie and every one of them are enjoyable. He and Senor Spielbergo team up to form another smash hit, this time centered around the Cold War. It's called Bridge of Spies but really there is only about 5 minutes of bridge, and not much spying. Its more-so ole Tommy being the good guy with a conscience and doing the right thing...helping the communists. He turns his back on his country and tries his darndest to get a Ruskie spy off scot free. He is tasked with taking a trip to scenic East Germany to negotiate the release of a US Pilot who didn't kill himself with a Susan B Anthony and put us all at risk. Can Tom pull it off? There wouldn't be a movie if he didn't. It's a very quiet, slow moving, heavy dialogue movie; but that's ok in my book when it's Otm Shank doing the bulk of the talking. He even brings into play some of his comedic skills which are highly underrated. The only issue I had was with some of the scenes planted by Spielbergo to try and get an emotional response out of the audience, such as the fence jumping scenes. No need. We get it. Germany Sucks, USA rocks (except in soccer). Overall, an entertaining watch.
3/5 Stallones Reviewed by Joe I wish I deserted this movie 10 minutes in. I thought Child 44 was Hardy's worst movie. I stand corrected. Deserter is a recent movie with the production value of the 40s in which Andy Dalton and Tom Hardy join the French Army to fight Middle Eastern dudes. That's all you really need to know. Nothing of any interest happens and when it does, you are already disinterested. It was one of Hardy's first ever movie's so I'll give him a pass. He got into a groove of war movies with Band of Brothers and Black Hawk Down, and just made a mistake. Still my guy!
1/5 Stallones Reviewed by Joe Whitey Bulger. A better porn name than a gangster. Black Mass is the story of Whitey and his rise to top dog in the Boston underworld. The movie is littered with Hollywood stars, although Bacon and Cumby were kind of awkward, and I just hate Adam Scott. Joel E and Depp take care of business as they do their best Nicholson/Damon impressions. I still stand by the fact that Depp sucks; with the only exception being when he is in a gangster movie. Donnie Brasco was sweet This movie has everything you could want in a crime story. Stranglins, shootins, and punchins, but just seems to be missing something throughout. It feels less dramatic as it is told as more of a back story with rats, ratting out Whitey to the 5-0. Solid acting but just overall meh. It's basically The Departed but without any real character development, drama, or Leo. Gots to have my Leo.
2/5 Stallones Reviewed by Joe Listen, I would never condone bullying or physical harm to a minor. But this Bastian kid…man. Even I want to deliver one of these (closed fist) to his dome. First off, his name isn’t Sebastian, its Bastian. That alone is worth 2 hurts donuts. Then this snot nosed little wiener kid spazzes out over books and lets his imagination run wild to the point of him not realizing what is and isn’t real anymore. When he takes the bite out of the sandwich and then says, no I must wait for it is a long journey; I wished I became part of the NeverEnding Story and smashed it in his face. I’ll tell you what, he’s no Atreyu. Atreyu is a Pimp. Riding around Fantasia on a Horse, making palsy walsys with Rock Dudes and Kevin Deichert and his racing snail. You don’t mess with Atreyu. He even gets with the fit as a bird empress. He’s my hero. It’s total BS that he dies and little Billy gets his Luck Dragon. Falkor makes this movie. Everyone in the 80s wanted a Luck Dragon, and Falkor was the reason why. Who wouldn’t want to fly around on a giant dog like dragon? It turns out that the NeverEnding Story is just that, never ending. You may be finishing a book, but who is to say that it wasn’t real? Who is to say you aren’t real and someone is actually reading a book about what you are doing right now? You sure would have a lot of explaining to do…especially Casey.
2.5/5 Stallones Reviewed by Joe Damn that shit was dope!
5/5 Stallones Reviewed by Joe It must be hand-held movie night for the SDC, after reviewing the pleasant The Visit, I am left with The Gallows. Ugh. In 1993, some high school kid died by hanging in a freak accident during a high school play called… THE GALLOWS. Flash forward to 2013 and the high school is doing a play called… THE GALLOWS. No way?! Jock turned thespian Reece wants to impress a girl in this play, but he stank. Like Paul Walker stank. So in order for him to save his pride and not embarrass himself, he and two other friends break into the school to tear down the set. No set, no play. When they finally get into the school that’s when shit goes down, awful, terrible shit. And no matter how terrified and scared these kids are, THEY ALWAYS HAVE A CAMERA. Dumbest thing ever. Just avoid this movie, there’s a ghost hangman and then there’s a twist that’s dumb. It’s all just dumb.
0.5 out of 5 Stallones – Chris M Night Shyamalan is like the Adam Sandler of directors, he started off strong with The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, Signs, but then did The Village, The Happening, After Earth, and The Last Airbender (??). Does the dude have talent, did he get lucky? I was surprised and displeased he chose to do a hand-held movie for his latest. Joe knows very well about how I feel about these movies. They dumb. There’s no way people are running around dying and holding on to a camera, and it MAGICALLY changes hands throughout the movie. Anyways, this movie is more like a faux-documentary then a hand-held. Which THANK GOD. The story is pretty simplistic, Junior High Casey and his sister go to stay with their grandparents whom they have never met. The mom hasn’t talked to her parents in 15 years because some bad shit went down. While visiting with their grandparents they realize something is off about them. Now, this is where I thought the movie was kind of funny. It’s pretty much just making fun of the elderly the whole time. And then things get weirder, but I won’t share anything. M Night helped his stock here, he didn’t take it too seriously, he didn’t have a huge budget and parts of it are kind of f’ed up. One part in particular had my wife and I cringe. So check it out and hopefully M Night can keep it up.
3 out of 5 Stallones - Chris What makes Tom Hanks maybe the best actor ever? He can transition from serious to comedy to comedy to serious. I remember when I was young I would watch this movie all the time. Him and his fiancé played by the late great Shelly Long... What's that? She's not dead? Really? Wow ok. Anyways they buy what they think is their dream home and it turns out its a disaster. So many things wrong with the house that they have to fix and pay for. Even today I still lol every time something bad happens to them in the house. And of Course Hanks carries the movie. Seriously this guy could probably be a great stand up comic. If you have a house that you have had to put your heart and money into and your a newlywed couple then you will relate to this story.
4.5/5 Stallones Reviewed by Casey The only M. Night Shamma lamma ding dong movie I actually like. Probably because he had Mel Gibson and Joaquin "we all know you have a hair lip" Phoenix. Mel plays a farmer who was a former preacher that keeps getting signs about how to save his family from an alien invasion. I like the movie because the actual aliens seemed real. Not like most Hollywood aliens and even though we all knew there would be a twist at the end I actually enjoyed it. Also it only had a total of about 6 actors in the movie and they all had a story which I liked. Say what you want about Mel's personal life and what he believes in but the man makes some great movies. Did the holocaust really happen? Ehhhh maybe. He's a man with conviction and he's still easy on the eyes. I give this movie a 4 out of 5 stallones but would have for sure gotten a 5 out of 5 if he had the long mane he had in Lethal Weapon 1.
4/5 Stallones Reviewed by Casey A German movie which can be found on many of the "Most Messed Up" movie lists. It has a pretty sweet intro letting you know right out the gate that it's going to be hardcore when the music goes from Mozart to Slipknot once the movie title hits the screen. A family goes on holiday looking to relax and play with their dingy. Instead they spend the night with 2 sick and twisted lovely young fellows. They brain the family dog with a 3-wood, break the mom's eggs, and break the dad's legs. They sit the family down and make a reasonable bet that they won't live through the morning. The game is on. They start with a fun filled family game called "Cat in the Bag" which I have a feeling will sweep the nation. It is then on to an age guessing game/ eeny-mini-miny-mo. The loser is unfortunately the kid who ends up painting the walls. Mom and Dad aren't nearly as upset as I'd imagine, but then again, the wife's acting is pretty terrible and the dad is a gimp. The boys then leave allowing the wife to escape. If she can get away, she lives. But she ain't none too bright and goes right back to them. It just wasn't in the cards. Dad goes bye bye, Mom goes for a swim, and a new family is tasked to provide the two little rascals with some eggs. Movie bogs down at times but overall I would agree with it hitting high on the "messed up" scale.
3/5 Stallones Reviewed by Joe "Make me feel good".... Don't worry Halle you made this guy feel good if you know what I mean. Halle Berry plays a waitress, which I can only assume is in the deep south because they never really said where this took place, who befriends a white racist corrections officer played Billy Bob Thorton. Billy Bobs son played by the late great Heath Ledger, kills himself, and he finally realizes with the T&A of Halle Berry, maybe I shouldn't be a racist prick. Its a moving movie that's pretty interesting thru out. Even though Halle Berry won for best actress I thought Billy Bob stole the show. I mean I am sure he really just played his normal self in real life but he makes you watch to see if the change in him and his life is real. I would recommend in you haven't seen but definitely don't watch with your kids or even your parents as I did. Was getting weird looks when the sex scene came on and I started sweating.... Side note it was also Peter Boyles last movie
3.5/5 Stallones Reviewed by Casey Guess who's back? Back again! Casey's back... Tell your friends. Guess who's back? Guess who's back? Guess who's back? Guess who's back nanana...... Yes boys and girls your favorite reviewer is back. I'm so sorry you had to read the reviews of Lloyd and Harry. I was away on surgery getting a penile reduction. People were getting hurt when I would twirl it around. Put a kid in a comma. Poor fella... Anyways this movie was boring and probably ruined Jeremy Renner's career as a thespian.
1.5/5 Stallones Reviewed by Casey I'll tell ya what. It's actually somewhat entertaining. Sure you have to look past a few things. Sandler. Kevin James as the President. The nerds knowing how to Tokyo Drift cars through New York. A hot Lieutenant who basically falls for Sandler right away. Aliens saying that there is a competition but winning the first 2 rounds without Earth even knowing about it (cheaters). Light ray weapons which are the only way to kill the aliens are made within 2 hours of the Alien attack. Same with the cars. Kevin James as the President. Josh Gad saying JFK shot first. Josh Gad making out with an alien. Brian Cox's role. No Rob Schneider. The Lt. and Kevin James somehow getting their own suits. Serena Williams in the White House (can't even win the US Open). The entire Donkey Kong scene. And Kevin James as the President. Once you get past all of that nonsense...it's decent.
1/5 Stallones Reviewed by Joe My counterparts in the SDC believe that this is the greatest horror movie of all time. They also say it’s not an M. Night movie when he clearly wrote the story. I saw it in the credits with my own two eyes. Believe me. This movie is absolute shit. I’d say it’s the worst horror movie ever, but it’s not scary. The plot. 5 terrible celebrity impersonators get stuck in an elevator and one of them is the Devil. You get Tom Hardy, Carol Burnett, Dave Chappelle, Alexis Bledel, and the Snozberry guy from Super Troopers. Of course they all don’t trust each other and Carol Burnett ends up being the devil in just an absolutely ridiculous scene where her eyes are black and voice is deep and it’s just stupid. The cop chasing them lost his family to the guy who just so happens to be the last man standing in the elevator. Michael Pena seems to know every single thing that will happen and has a Masters Degree in the supernatural. All around it is just dumb, bad, and stupid. It even sets the stupid tone right off the bad by the camera being upside down during the opening credits. Why. What’s the point of that. OOOH it’s upside down, this movie is going to be spooky scary! It’s a garbage movie that only a garbage man would like.
0/5 Stallones Reviewed by Joe Dear crappy comedies. STOP thinking that a song from the 90s is going to make your movie funny. You keep thinking that if you insert TLC or Seal or friggin Sir Mix A Lot that you'll get us singing along too as a form of persuasion. You don't. All it does it make a terrible movie worse. Ed Helms was funny in the Office and the first Hangover. He cannot carry a lead role in a comedy. I'm sorry. Plus, hey guys, Ethan Embry is still alive. Here's a thought...CAST HIM SINCE HE WAS RUSTY! Cristy Applegate. Not funny. Sorry again. But you're annoying. Oh she was Debby Do Anything, ahah-NO. Stop it. It's lazy writing. There was only one funny part in this entire movie and it goes to Thor. Except the writers found a way of ruining that too. The faucet analogies were just the tops. But they stopped after the first scene. You screwed up twice, you didn't let a good thing role AND you were inconsistent in your writing. Turrible. Just Turrible. One last beef before I give this a .5. They are taking a trip cross country from Chicago. WHY did they drive through downtown starting out? They are obviously in a suburb and would have taken the highway around. Dumb. Also, Chevy Chase Fat. Bevey D...still got it ;)
.5/5 Stallones Reviewed by Joe There is something I respect about a movie that focuses on kids becoming zombie like creatures and having adults fight them. That’s the basic premise for this horror comedy. Elijah Wood, Dwight from the Office, the one dude from Saw, Hugo from Lost, and our boy Jack McBrayer star in this flick. Elijah plays the same damn role. He’s the kind, quiet, introvert who's into a girl, but some other dude’s already dating her. He’s a new teacher at the school and guess what dude? Your about to get overrun by kid zombies! The kids get some virus from some bad chicken nuggets (I’m not joking) and the kids go nuts. It’s pretty funny how they come to the conclusion that only kids can get the virus, but I’ll refrain. Dwight from the Office is this masculine, meathead, tough guy who can’t pronounce Dual Rear Wheels. At first that’s funny, then it's not. The teachers of the school have to band together to kick some kiddy ass. It’s rare to see adults beating up children in a movie, but it’s quite funny. The movie is plenty graphic too. There are points though where the movie just gets bogged down with conversations and dead time (all puns intended). It’s definitely Dwight’s movie and the dude from Saw, they’re pretty funny in it. Overall, it’s worth a watch but maybe wait until it’s out on Netflix or Amazon Prime. Paying on VOD seems kinda pricey.
2.5 out of 5 Stallones - Chris How does a movie with so much creativity come off as so bland? I am not quite sure, but Tomorrowland achieves this feat. I’m a huge fan of those who try, bring originality and don’t go for the easy sequels, threequels and reboots. This was a movie I was looking forward to especially with Cloontang leading the way. The movie is as follows, starts with a boy genius who wants to change the game. He’s got a jetpack! He gets denied by a dude at the world’s fair but he gets a special pin from this robot girl. It takes him to the future. Then, presently, this rebel girl wants to stop the demolition of a NASA tower because her country singing dad Tim McGraw works there. She gets arrested and then somehow she gets this magical pin. As soon as she touches the pin poof she’s in the future. WHAT THE. The whole movie is about preventing or preparing for the present world’s demise. It’s seen as an inevitable event. Cloontang is the grown up boy genius and he’s a cynic. World’s gone to hell in a handbasket in his eyes. He doesn’t want to help nobody. EVER. Well, he helps the rebel girl and another robot philly and it turns out that TV’s Dr. House is the antagonist. The movie is slightly enjoyable because of Cloontang. The dude can act, what can I say? The problem I have with it is, yeah its original looking, but the story ain’t. There’s a touching moment between the young robot girl and Cloontang. I kept wondering… is he going to kiss a kid on the lips?! Anyways, give it a watch, the kids will enjoy as well.
2.5 out of 5 Stallones - Chris I remember Vin Diesel’s wife gets killed in this movie and he grows some facial hair because he’s so mad. I also remember my buddies and I, paid only a $1 to see this in the cheap theater. Yeah, I’ve seen Johnsons Family Vacation all the way through, I watched Sleepover, I saw Gigli… all in theater and never left early. I left early on A Man Apart. *mic drop*
0 out of 5 Stallones - Chris This is going to be a review that’s a tipping point for our audience. I think we have an audience… I hope we have an audience. Everyone talks about how spectacular this movie is. Ohhh, it’s a cult classic, oohhh there’s humor and swords, oohhhh there’s Andre the Giant. This movie stinks. I think this is just one of those movies that people like, because they think other people like it. If we all were to admit that it’s really not that special, then it would just go away. What was the big deal about movies in the 80’s where books are being read to children as the starting point of a movie? The Neverending Story is way better anyways, ATREYU!!! So as I was saying Columbo reads a book to Kevin Savage and then it tells this magical story about a dude saving Kevin Spacey’s wife. A princess bride. But there are some characters along the way, and some uninteresting interactions. A disappointing movie after I heard so many great things about it. How does Cary Elwes get to do this movie and Robin Hood: Men in Tights, I also prefer that movie to this. Fun fact: Inigo Montoya is now Saul on Homeland. Watch Homeland that’s a great ass show.
0 out of 5 Stallones - Chris This movie was supposed to be terrible. It was written by and starring Adam Sandler and his usual rag tag crew. I was supposed to hate it. I have hated everything he has done since 1995. But I went anyways because it was free and I wanted me some tasty movie theater popcorn. Much to my disbelief, it was not terrible. It was not even good. It was pretty darn good. I found myself laughing quite a bit and thoroughly enjoying the movie. The Count's daughter has a baby and if he doesn't grow his vamp teeth in 5 yrs she's moving to Cali. Sandler and the gang try and bring out the kid's inner monster and get into some hilarious hijinks. The Wolfman has become a tie wearing dog, Frank is a man who now just likes to eat, the Mummy has a bad back from years of Brendan Fraser chasing after him, and Blobby just likes to groove. It's a quick movie that doesn't try to do too much and finally knows when to quit hammering in a joke. This is a chef recommended movie that both you and the kid will enjoy.
3.5/5 Stallones Reviewed by Joe Complete these 13 tasks and you will become richer than your wildest dreams. Ready? Go
1. Kill a fly - Done 2. Eat the fly - Was going to do that anyways 3. Make a child cry - Are you paying me or am I paying you? Done. 4. Set a church display on fire - Sorry Jesus...DONE 5. Exchange an ostrich for a homeless mans clothes - Id rather keep the ostrich but gotta win! 6. Take a dead guy out for coffee - Ever eat lunch with Chris? Same thing. Boring! DONE 7. Guy got a freebie for stealin coffee from a copper. Respect. 8. Saw off a guys arm - Gross...time to grab my poncho. DONE 9. Beat up a jerk with a chair - this is getting easy 10. Destroy your wedding rehearsal dinner - Thank God, was looking for a way out of that 11. Let the cops arrest you - Oh that's just cruel. Fiinnneee 12. Set up a wire to decapitate some bikers - Hopefully its the two fat dudes from PeeWee 13. Kill a family member - Sorry Sis I WIN! Wait what are you doing here Ron Perlman... 4/5 Stallones Reviewed by Joe Fantastic Four was... A fantastic bore. Usually in a comic book movie you say hurry up through the backstories and get to the super powers and bad guys. But this was the exact opposite. It's actually a decent movie as you get introduced to Whiplash, Creed, Billy Elliot, Kevin Spacey's side piece and Kevin Spacey's bbq cook. But then they go and ruin it by traveling to another dimension of green goop. What happens when you space travel with rocks? You become rocks. Fire? You become fire. Nothing? Well then you become stretchy. So they get their powers and the government weaponizes then to kill the terrorists. USA! USA! They go back to Goopland and our boy Vic is waiting for them and is none too pleased. Is there any real story development on his powers? Nope. He fights the Four in a lame battle that I fell asleep to and had to go back and rewatch because I didn't believe that was ending battle. It really is bad. If you are looking for more excitement, watch Big Hero 6. It is the exact same ending fight scene but with cooler powers and a robot.
1/5 Stallones Reviewed by Joe Is it just me or do the seagulls from Finding Nemo remind you of Ryan Reynolds? ANYWHOOO I will not be inserting the slash during this review so just deal with it. Selfless is a scifi thriller that doesn't have much scifi nor any thrills. Gandhi gets sick but has money so he cheats death and takes over Ryan Reynolds body who gave his life up for his daughter. awww. Gandhi feeling like a spruce 40 yr old heads to the bball courts in the Big Easy and puts on an And1 clinic. Flashes of Ryan's life start to occur and Gandhi decides he has to know who this dude was. He goes to the old house, meets Ryan's wife and daughter and then fights a bunch of bad guys who can't let the secret get out. You then get put through an hour of twists and bad guys and high pitched voices and cross-eyes and its just not good. Whoever created the trailer for this movie should get a raise cause they sure put a ton of shine on this big stinky turd.
.5/5 Stallones Reviewed by Joe |