Man, what's not to like about this flick. Sam Rockwell, Woody Harrelson, Peter Dinklage, Frances McDormand, John Hawkes, and the one guy from The Wire. I mean c'mon. This movie is gold. It's comedic and yet shocking and dramatic. You find yourself liking and disliking each character throughout the movie. I'm not really sure what took me so long to watch it but I'm glad I did. Sam Rockwell is the best part about the movie. One of the few times where I can agree he deserved the Oscar for this role. The whole story centers on a Frances' daughter being raped and killed, but there are no leads or arrests. She decides to rent out three old billboards to call out the police department and Chief Woody. Well, no one's really happy about that. Emotions and tempers flare throughout the flick leading to a couple shocking moments. This is not a movie to be missed.
4.5 Stallones out of 5 - Chris
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Michael Fassbender stars in this yawnfest mystery. The movie opens to a scene where you're left to believe you're following the origin story of one character. I guess the twist is that it's someone else's story, big whoop. The highlight of the movie is Val Kilmer. Guy has slimmed down for sure. Must've known Top Gun 2 is nearing. In another twist, every one of Val's lines are dubbed over by another voice. It makes no sense. His lips are moving but someone else speaks. I cannot figure out WTF he's even in the movie. Probably because he's awesome. As for the movie title, well, the killer's calling card is making snowmen before or after their kills. Congrats dude, you can make a snowman, you're awesome. JK Simmons is also in this flick and uses an accent. That was another mind game, why an accent or why not another actor. This movie was just bleh. Nothing exciting or special. I found it hard to believe Fassbender was an addict and yet at the end of the movie he gets shot, loses a finger and doesn't bleed out instantly. The movie does get a half of stallone for a boob. The other 1 stallone is for Kilmer, dude deserves better.
1.5 out of 5 Stallones - Chris Do you like an original plot with twists you never saw coming? Do you like a movie that is perfectly cast, as if the actors somehow had that job before they went to Hollywood? What about insightful dialogue that makes you question the world around you. Well. This movie ain't it. Now. If you are into inter-species relations that you had never thought of before, but makes so much sense now; or if you enjoy seeing a muppet paint the walls with silly string, The Happytime Murders is for you. The movie follows around Melissa M and her muppet ex partner as they try and find who is killing the former cast of a popular 80s TV show. You honestly could care less about these characters and what happens to them. It is more about how they are killed and the randomness throughout. For every 5 minutes of unconvincing acting by Stanley from the Office and Joel McHale from Open Season 2, there is a spit out your Sprite® scene involving a creep muppet with a urine laden coke mirror. Do they maybe take it a little too far at times? Nah. If you are given the chance to make an R rated puppet movie, you go for broke. You say words like shoot and darn. You show those purple curlies. And you tie up those firemen. Was the movie good? No. Was it funny. Def. Should I stop answering my own questions? How bout you mind your own business.
2/5 Stallones Reviewed by Joe Thanos is a man on a mission. That mission? Save the world. He sees that the world is quickly overpopulating and that it is only a matter of time before it runs out of resources, and everyone perishes. Through research, Thanos has learned of 6 infinity stones, that when combined, will possess ultimate power throughout the universe. They aren’t easy to obtain though. Luckily, the writers spotted him one to start out with. The movie starts when the villainous Loki tries to trick our protagonist, and stab him in the face. Thanos is too clever though. He stops Loki just in time and obtains the Space Stone. It is then a race to the Reality stone on Knowhere, in which Thanos is once again, betrayed and involved in an attempted stabbing. This time, by his own daughter! Thanos prevails, turns bullets into bubbles, and is off to stone number 4 on Vormir. Thanos is presented with the toughest decision he’s ever been faced with. Throw his daughter off of a cliff, or let the world die. It is with regret, remorse, and ultimate selflessness that Thanos chooses the former. You feel for him as the tears stream down his face, but you know, as does he, that is was necessary. To pile it on even further, Thanos returns to his home planet, Titan, to find it in ruins. He fantasizes of the utopia it once was and reaffirms his mission to not let it happen to anyone else. In an attempt to recover the Time stone, he is ambushed by “The Avengers”, a team set out to allow the death and destruction of the world. They try ripping Thanos’s arm off, but he is just too strong. They say uncle, and hand it over. Stone 6, the mind stone. Here on earth it’s been implanted into a robot. Liz Olsen thinks shes smart and blows the robot up before Thanos can get to it. Thanos turns back the clock, and picks the stone out of Vision’s head like a skittle. All that’s left for our hero to do, is return home, sit back with a Corona, and watch the world flourish. Infinity war is a harrowing tale of a misunderstood individual, with only the best of intentions. It's rare to see a happy ending in Hollywood these days. It was greatly appreciated.
5/5 Stallones Reviewed by Joe This is an all too realistic representation of what would happen if a nuclear bomb went off in your city. This was unbelievably, a British TV Movie. It is surprising, because it is one messed up movie that’ll give ya the heebie jeebies. It takes you from pre-bomb jitters up through 20 years post bomb. You’re introduced to a couple of families: a pregnant lady with a tramp of a husband, a disaster control guy w/ wife, and a typical household. Then… the blast. There is no countdown, and no obvious “here it comes”. It goes off with extreme prejudice, and all of a sudden, the tramp and kids of the household are set ablaze and turned to dust. They are let off easy. The ones who survive now get to go through a radiation filled nuclear holocaust. Those lucky to not have their insides turn to mush, get to freeze and risk being shot looting for food. Those not shot, give birth to dead babies. See? Told ya.
3.5/5 Stallones Reviewed by Joe RI've never wanted to fight a movie so bad in my life. I sat in the theater, with my arms crossed; mean muggin the screen the entire 2 hours. The plot is lazy, pandering, and insulting. It's one ridiculous scene after another, usually ending in a T-Rex roaring. Bryce and Pratt are broken up again so we can go through the whole, will they or won't they, bit again. The bad guy is an obvious bad guy who works for a BILLIONAIRE and is trying to steal Dinosaurs to make 30 million bucks (I am pretty sure there are easier ways of scheming millions, than hiring an army to go to a volcano and kidnap dinos). Bryce and the wiener kid get trapped in a bunker and it isn't until lava is pouring in AND a dino is attacking them, that they see there's a friggin ladder to the outside right next to them. The team sneaks aboard a ship full of mercenaries and none of them can tell that Bryce is a woman because she ingeniously put on a hat. After a T-Rex blood transfusion (the only blood you see in the entire movie), all of the dinos are transported to the basement of a house, to be sold at auction to stereotypical bad guys. It all ends with a little girl outrunning the supposed meanest dino of all time and then setting them all free. We are supposed to think these dinos will now run rampant and take over like Rise of the Planet of the Apes. We are even left with Blue doing his best Caesar to James Franco impersonation, leaving his family to be with his kind. The movie was an obvious straight cash grab, and well, it worked. It’s made almost 500 million so far. If everyone would just donate to the SDC their $10 instead of seeing the next one: "Jurassic World: Dawn of the Planet of the Dinosaurs", the world would be a better place. At least for us. We'd be flush. 0.5/5 Stallones Reviewed by Joe This Netflix original has pretty simple premise: a guy cuts off his d!ck and his friends have to return it before time runs out. Super simple. The movie itself was produced by the Workaholics crew, and features a Blake cameo, so it's the same type of humor. I was actually surprised how funny it was. Ended up enjoying the whole movie. As the friends are in a time crunch to return the severed Johnson, there are plenty of hijinx. There's also a lot of penis. The downside is the "dramatic" aspects of the flick. Since there has to be a romantic twist in any comedy nowadays, it took away moments where I should be laughing, not wondering why the two lovebirds aren't together yet. One of the main chicks (Geraldine Viswanathan) from Blockers is the love interest. Fun fact: She is Australian. I originally typed "Indian chick", I'm sure glad I did my research and didn't judge a person by their skin type... am I racist now? Anyways, give this movie a chance, it's pretty GD funny.
3.5 Stallones out of 5 - Chris I know its been a while and you all have been clamoring for my reviews. All I can say to my millions of fans is " I'm back baby" So without further ado lets review the 2017 horror movie Hereditary. Holy shit was this awful. This movie was built as the next great horror classic. If this ever gets mentioned as a classic I will swallow tide pods. I never figured a movie with a young hunk like Gabriel Byrne would be such trash. Hereditary was all over the place and made absolutely no sense. I cant even give you the plot to the movie because it made no sense. I even thought if the ending is somewhat descent that it could at least save the movie as watchable. And wouldn't you fucking know it the ending was worse then the whole GD movie.
I was actually really excited to see this movie. I went and watched it by myself and apparently so did the guy sitting next to me. I remember we looked at each other before the movie started and gave the nod to each other like " Fuck yea lets do this". Two hours later I looked over at him and he had the same face as the dead girl in The Ring. This movie is a big fat 0 Stallone's and I would challenge anybody who doesn't agree to me. True story: After the movie I actually asked for my money back. I got a chuckle from the manager on that request. I want to believe he laughed because he was agreeing with me but I am pretty sure its because I walked out with a gallon of Carmel Corn. Another year, another review... we're doing well fellas!
Let me start by saying, I read this book. I know, I know, it may come as a shock to most, if not everyone. I can actually read. I just choose not to because books are stupid and a waste of time. Anyways, usually I strongly dislike those who go around saying "well, actually (pushing glasses back to nose), the book was better". Pffttt, jog on. I'm not sure how I would've felt about the movie if I hadn't of read the book. Director Indiana Jones Spielberg definitely took some liberties with the book and just chucked the rest out of the window. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, both are good in their own rights, mainly because of the 80's & 90's nostalgia factor. I do think the book was better *GASP*. The movie was entertaining, but it just doesn't have much depth. There's little opportunity to give a sh!t about the characters. So just sit back, watch the flashy lights on the screen and enjoy a crap ton of references as these folks try and chase down all the Easter Eggs. Oh yeah, the movie is about some goober kids trying to track down hidden objects in Nerdland. I'll give you a hint on how it ends... goobers win. 3 Stallones out of 5 What did you get when you cross a smash hit sequel and a shit ton of Will Arnett? A pretty disappointing movie, that's what. I'm an adult, I use my son to watch these types of movies. It's a 50/50 shot honestly if I will enjoy, but the Lego Movie was kick-ass. Never thought this movie would make me laugh twice. All the funny parts were in the trailer, except for when the Joker calls out the 'Butt-mobile'. CLASSIC. You think I'm kidding. I am not. What I am also not kidding about is that this wasn't funny. But my son doesn't care cause he's watched it like 50 bajillion times. There's better animated movies for you adults to coerce your children into watching. Like Storks, love me some Samberg.
1 out of 5 Stallones - Chris No idea how anyone could dislike Paul Rudd, CASEY. Sure he doesn’t have a superhero vibe to him, but it’s Ant-Man for crying out loud. The movie itself doesn’t take the micro-sized superhero that seriously. Rudd fits perfectly with his charm and wit. In this movie, he’s a modern day Robin Hood who stole from the rich and gave to the poor. But in today’s world that’s considered “stealing” so he gets sent to the joint. Upon getting out of the slammer, he’s up to the same old antics with Michael Pena and T.I. This is where they run into Michael Douglas who wants Rudd to become Ant-Man to stop the super-evil super-bald Senator from the House of Cards. Make sense? Throughout the movie there is plenty of humor and decent action intertwined. The only confusing aspect is Rudd’s breaking and entering abilities, he’s more of a nerd than a crook so what the wtf. I was dyin’ laughing anytime there was an hardcore epic mini battle, then the director cuts to the real size and there’s hardly anything going on, and then cut back to the epic mini battle. This movie just gets me excited for the Civil War movies coming out. It worked as a standalone movie as well. Checkity check it out if you get a chance.
3.5 out of 5 Stallones - Chris This was a very aggravating movie to watch. No, not because it was bad or that I had any disdain for the movie, but there’s a character in it that just represents all that I can’t stand. And go figure, she’s portrayed by Jennifer Garner, ugh. You have this mom, again, played by Jennifer Garner, who literally watches her kids every move and remotes into the phone and computer all the damn time. Come on, if this happens in real life that parent should be…. not parenting anymore (YEAH! GET’EM CHRIS!). But, she’s just trying to “protect” her kid from the evils in the world. PFFTTTT. The movie is a snapshot into the lives of married people with teenagers, and separated people with teenagers. The generational gap of technology with cell phones is a heavy focus as is how people were affected by 9/11. That’s TWO 9/11-ish movies with Adam Sandler. WE CAN DO BETTER PEOPLE! He wasn’t bad in this movie just because he hardly talks and doesn’t have to act. There’s a lot of PG-13 f’ed up stuff in this movie. A mom may or may not be pimping out her teenage daughter. There may or may not be some eating disorders followed up by a miscarriage. Someone may or may not be cheating on their spouse. It’s a lot of hullabaloo for a two hour movie, but it works. Not everything gets resolved, but the worst person in this movie is left to think about what she did, the big bully. No wonder Ben Affleck divorced you! I say that with Peace & Love.
3 out of 5 Stallones - Chris This movie would've been fantastic if it were released 20 years ago. Too bad it's 2015 and this just ain't gonna cut it. The story is as follows, Mia Wacha-wacha-wacha sees a ghost, it's her dead mama. Her dead mama tells her to beware of the Crimson Peak. But what is the Crimson Peak?! Maybe it'll come around later on ;). After Mia's papa bites the dust, she marries Loki and departs for England. That's her first mistake. Choosing Loki over Jax from Sons of Anarchy?! Come on, yeah right. When she's in England, all is not right and Mia starts hallucenating. Loki and his sis convince Mia everything is chill and not to worry. Then things start to get not so chill and they tell her she's the one who is crazy. This is when things actually get a little interesting and then I got really pissed off. Someone falls from a staircase, hits their back on the fall and once they land they should be dead or paralyzed. This certain someone makes it look like only a small flesh wound. This movie was so boring and dumb. If your going to see a Jessica Chastain movie, go see the Martian instead. Who makes decisions based off of Jessica Chastain though? It's not scary, nor suspenseful. It takes place back in the early 1900's so there's no sweet car chases. No explosions. Just a bunch of bland mystery.
1 out of 5 Stallones - Chris Written and Directed by the guy who plays Weirdo Gordo, who also starred in the amazing 'Warrior'. This is the type of movie that I wish I could write. As the audience, we're left to follow Jason Bateman and his wife move into their new home. As they're getting settled in they run in Gordo, an old classmate. The entire time there are friendly and not-so-friendly exchanges and you know that there's got to be more to the background story. But what is it?! A true revenge story that ultimately leads to a possible f'ed up ending. It's an ending I can respect. There were some truly annoying aspects of this flick though. Bateman is a prick throughout, like too much of a prick. I can understand being a douche, but he's got to have an off switch. Especially when certain things may or may not be happening. Also, his wife, she was just as annoying. "I can't talk to my husband, I just can't, no seriously I can't talk to my husband", so I'll just do some sneaky investigating. Ugh. She just sits around all day, she's super nice as Bateman puts it and she loves gatorade. They don't make for a realistic couple. Ultimately, what makes this movie is the mystery around Gordo and what unravels. Definitely worth a watch just for that.
3.5 out of 5 Stallones - Chris I gotta say I was a little disappointed with this flick. People tellin' me 'oh it's hilarious!', 'it's the funniest movie ever!' Eehhhh. I don't know about that. I don't know what it is about Amy Schumer but I just don't think she's that funny. Normally I'm all about the inappropriate jokes, but with her they just feel forced and over the top. Now with that being said, I don't think she acted terribly, she just wasn't the funny person of the movie. You know who was? The bit players. Kudos to Mr. Apatow for letting Lebron, Amare Stoudamire, Matthew Broderick, Marv Alberts, and John Cena in this flick. I'm not sure who was better between Bron, Cena or Marv. They were all top notch. Bill Hader was solid, he's turning into a legit actor. Colin Quinn, Brie Larson and Mike Birbiglia were also very good. So what I'm really trying to say is, if you like Amy Schumer you will like this movie a lot. If you don't, there's enough of the other people to get you through it.
2.5 out of 5 Stallones - Chris It's a Marvel superhero movie. Of course I liked it. But don't take me for a fool Stan Lee when you think for ONE SECOND that I would believe that Paul Rudd could scale a house like that. I mean, c'mon. Rudd is solid as he is in pretty much every movie he's in, but still seems out of place. The movie kind of bounces back and forth between cool comic book movie and trying too hard comedy. For every good scene you get with Evangeline Lilly or Corey Stoll; you get friggin T.I and the Michael Pena stand up hour. I would have liked to see more Yellowjacket and less Paul Rudd learning how to fight/talk to ants montage. There wasn't even an 80s song accompanying it. Disappointing.
2.5/5 Stallones Reviewed by Joe There has to be something wrong with you to watch these movies. Each one tries to one up the other with how much f'd up s it can get away with. Now the first is actually a decent movie. Good character and plot development and aside from the pooping in the mouth, is pretty enjoyable. The 2nd: A great sequel concept. 1st is actually a movie and crazy guy gets obsessed and makes a pede of his own. 2nd gets a little out of control, what with the baby squishing in the car pedal and all. 3rd? They do it again. Out of control prison, lets get it safe and cut costs across the country by putting everyone in one big pede. They even get the writer/director to be a character to assist them. But with the creativity, comes the depravity. The main guy gets a little annoying as he screams all of his lines. He basically loses his mind and in between his relaxation periods with Bree Olsen, he yells at closed doors and is on a mission to torture his prisoners. Water boarding is soooo 2008, its time to give it a 2015 upgrade and make it boiling. Arms are broken, people get shot...Noone is safe from this menace. It's not just the prisoners who get tortured too though. The viewing audience must sit through Eric Robert's acting. And that ladies and gentlemen... is the real horror of the movie.
1/5 Stallones Reviewed by Joe Daniel Craig needs to stop playing bond. It is going in/already is in the direction of ridiculousness. Bond movies have become less spying and just all action. If Sean Connery were in a helicopter, he would NOT have immediately put the pilot in a choke-hold, making it spin around and almost crash. He would have done what a normal person would have done and politely held him at gunpoint saying land this gosh darned chopper. Bond then goes around finding chicks that really have nothing to contribute other than making out with him (lookin at you Monica B) . You really become disinterested in the character and just kind of go through the motions of the movie. I love Christoph Waltz and even he is just average in Spectre. How you ruin Christoph? I don't know. I didn't think it was possible. The only redeeming quality of the movie, other than the bartender, is Dave Bautista. Guy is money and has a top of the line french manicure on his thumbs. Hands down best scene is his bullrush on the train. The movie is basically a social commentary on the NSA and how its bad and not right and blah blah who gives a crap. The only true excitement provided by the movie was seeing that Moriarty from Sherlock was in it. I can't wait for the new episode coming out on New Years. That show is just the tops
1.5/5 Stallones Reviewed by Joe Sponsored by the BBC These space movies sure have gotten smarter in the past 20 years. We went from "there's a meteor coming for us! Let's blow it up!" type of movies to "well my calculations for growing potato plants on Mars is precise, I know, because I'm a botanist". I'm paraphrasing of course, but I can tell the space nerds of the 90's were extremely disappointed in Armaggedon and Deep Impact. You have to be angry to get so technical over Interstellar. Then there's this movie, The Martian. It's not as cross-eyed complex as Interstellar and it's a whole lot more enjoyable. What do both movies have in common? MATT DAAAAMON. I learned that I can watch this dude by himself all the time (and I do ;P). The dude seriously has range. He, Mark Watney, gets accidentally left for dead on Mars. He's a botanist and has to figure out how to stay alive for a year or longer. All the while, NASA nerds are trying to figure out how to save him. Surprisingly, there's plenty of comedy to be had, especially when it comes to Matt just talking to himself. Dudes gotta make conversation somehow and he doesn't have a Spalding ball to keep him company. The movie really is awesome as it explores ethical dilemmas, do we risk 5 astronauts for 1? Do we cover it up and pretend he dead anyways? NO! You get your ass out there and you find that f'ing dog, er, Matt Damon! His crew that leaves him behind is lead by Jessica Chastain, then you have Michael Pena (always funny), Kate Mara (grrr), Sebastian Stan (who? Winter Soldier, AH), and some foreign dude. Back on Earth, Harry Dunne is the head of NASA, Kristen Wiig is the PR rep for NASA and Sean Bean is the BA squad leader who doesn't abide by ANYONES rules, not even his own. But seriously, how does Kristen Wiig, STILL play the same type of role she would've played in Bridesmaids or SNL. The awkward, monotone unfunny one. I highly recommend checking this movie out. And I'm super pumped for the sequel, The Martian 2: Lost in New York. You try watching it and tell me it doesn't have a Home Alone vibe to it!
4.5 out of 5 Stallones - Chris This movie is pretty much an homage to the little speed bump that is Mount Everest. You better respect this mountain's authority or you'll end up like the climbers in 1996. Numerous people lost their lives in that epic climb and this movie chronicles their efforts. You've got Josh Brolin, Jake Gyllenhaal, Jason Clarke, John Hawkes, Sam Worthington, Keira Knightly, and Robin Wright starring in this flick. Now I doubt this movie will win any awards and I don't think it should, but the movie worked because of the characters involved. They made a smart move casting legit actors in this movie cause you at least care about the characters they portray. It wasn't an action extravaganza, it had more like a 'oh sh*t, they're f'ed!' type of feel. This movie would've probably looked sweet on a 3D theater screen or in IMax. Ultimately, I feel like the movie could've had more. It was a two hour flick, but it felt like it jumped to conclusions with certain characters outcomes. Why would anyone want to climb Everest anyways? If you wanna hike go to your local state park, I'm sure it's beautiful. You wanna be deprived of oxygen and come close to death? Date Roseanne. HI-YO.
3 out of 5 Stallones - Chris Twenty-two years after A New Hope rocked the foundations of every person on this planet, George Lucas returns with his origin trilogy. Now, Lucas really faced an uphill battle in the quest to satisfy the nerdery kingdom. The original trilogy is the pinnacle of the science fiction world and holds a special place in many a people's hearts. It's no surprise this movie had the biggest build-up of anticipation. Some would say it landed with a mediocre thud, I can't disagree with them, but I highly enjoyed the flick. Sure you've got Jake Lloyd as Anakin Skywalker and he gave up "acting" after being shamed for his role. If you ask me he gave up acting way before he took this role, HEY-YO. And sure, Jar-Jar Binks may or may not be racially profiling and provide no true value, but the kids love him! Beyond those two big no-no's you get what might be one of thee best villains of all-time... Darth Maul. Double Lightsabers and some horns... now that's hot. Couple that with a bad-ass fight scene at the end where Liam Neeson gets sliced in half?! I guess he didn't have his certain set of skills back in 1999. You get pod-racing, Watto, Boss Nass, Yoda, NATALIE PORTMAN, and Sam Jackson! There's no way that this movie could compare to the original but it's no slouch. I mean I remember even buying the toys and expecting to be a millionaire from selling them. So what they're only going for $10 on eBay, pfffttttt. Dreams crushed. My dreams of a solid origin story? Still in tact. Not bad Mr. Lucas.
4 out of 5 Stallones - Chris People often talk about the "original trilogy". People born before 1990 know this as Star Wars, people born after think it's the Lord of the Rings. Clerks II does a brilliant, in-depth analyzation of the two trilogies and then some. To me, Star Wars will always come before LOTR and it's this movie, A New Hope, that spawned it all. I feel like the plot explanation is pointless as everyone and their hot mothers has seen it. So I'll do a brief one. Luke Skywalker collects druids, his aunt and uncle die and he destroys the Deathstar with a little help from his friends and the Force. I wonder how many movie producers saw this movie as the movie phenomenon, life-changer it was. It's 1977 and the biggest two names in the movie are Sir Alec Guinness and Harrison Ford, they gotta be thinking, "my God, this is going to bomb". Harrison Ford had only just done American Graffiti as well, and some bit parts, so it wasn't like he was Indiana Han Solo "GIVE ME BACK MY FAMILY" Dick Kimble Jones yet. And it was a science fiction movie! I mean this flick had everything going against it for sure. But, it had the ultimate wild-card... poor George Lucas. This dude had a dream of a flick and making a crap ton of movie no matter what the cost. So with his vision, he changed the game much like Peyton Manning anytime before 2015. This is a fantastic movie, that beat the odds and turned Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill household names... for a little bit. As the newest Star Wars, The Force Awakens, approaches I am only going to get more amped.
5 out of 5 Stallones - Chris Pay attention kids because everything that is introduced in the beginning of the movie will make an appearance later on. Necklace? check. Ants? check. Jaguar? check. Female circumcision? check. I hate movies that use the exposition solely to introduce items that pop up later in the story. Just get us interested in the characters so when you start knockin em off, we care more. Anyways, Eli Roth's wife out of nowhere decides to up and join Jason Segel's protest group. These turds feel they can make a difference and so they fly down to the amazon to save the Wachootoo tribe. They meet up with Adam Levine and they actually do it! They stop the bulldozers and its time to pop some bottles in the ice, like three-six, and take a ride home in their G-6. But their G-6 blows an engine and they are met by a an army of red dudes led by Tommy Davidson. The movie sucks up until this point. But it quickly takes a turn from bad acting garbage; to totally F'ed up. The Wachootoo's enjoy the finer foods in life. Anyone can get pork or beef. It's human that's the money meat...and they don't spare one part of it. If you like eyeballs, cooked leg of dude, or simply your human raw, this movie is for you. Jason Segel becomes a bit of a prick while they are caged but as it goes on, you kind of agree with the guy. He makes some pretty sound arguments. The movie is by no means the greatest, but is an enjoyable watch if you are sick in the head like me.
2.5/5 Stallones Reviewed by Joe Keanu puts on an acting clinic! A performance that can only be rivaled by Mark Wahlberg in the Happening or Vin Diesel in Chronicles of Riddick. Listen, we all know that Keanu is a terrible actor. But much like Nic Cage, we look past it and somehow enjoy their movies anyways. Knock Knock is just not the case. It is just hot sick garbage. I am pretty sure he only agreed to do the movie to have a threesome with Eli Roth's wife and a blonde Cuban chick. And I am also pretty sure that perv Eli Roth wrote this movie with the sole intention of watching his wife get it on with Keanu. Well they succeeded in their goals but forgot that there was still another hour and 29 minutes of film to account for. It's bad even in relation to Lifetime movies. Keanu's acting gets so bad as the movie goes on that it actually becomes funny. It's really the only reason to watch this crap. MONSTER DID NOT LIKE!
.5/5 Stallones Reviewed by Joe This review is for my man Dennis Farina. RIP my friend.... Also this review is for Tom Sizemore. Also RIP. By the way he will be dead soon so I will just dedicate it to him as well. Pretty sure his tombstone will say Ed Burns. They are always getting mixed up. Both Farina and Sizmore are in this movie which stars Bruce Willis and a horse ( Sarah Jessica Parker ) who are river duty cops trying to stop a murderer of women. Willis who came from a cop family got demoted to being a river cop after being a real cop and he falls in love with his partner a horse. The whole movie the killer is taunting Willis and he cant get his past troubles out of his head. Pretty twisted ending and solid 90's flick. I hope this movie comes on Netflix soon. I want to pay tribute to Farina. Of course I am led to believe that Farina is related to Willis in the movie even though Farina talks with a Chicago accent. But in the 90's you could get away with anything.
3.5/5 Stallones Reviewed by Casey |