4 out of 5 Stallones
Requested by @MARROLL Reviewed by Chris Better late than never I always say, because I’m always late. So here we go with the classic ‘The Wizard of Oz’… Dorothy and her lil dog Toto are all happy in Kansas. This mean lady wants to take away Toto just because. Personally I just think the mean lady needs to get laid. Any takers? So a tornado blows through Kansas and magically carries Dorothy, Toto and her house to the magical land of Oz. PFFFTTTTT. This was all a dream, it wasn’t real. She knocked her head and dreamt the whole damn thing. A real life scarecrow?! The tin man?! A cowardly lion?! Don’t talk crap about the lion okay. Now that I spoke my peace, this is a magical movie. It’s very intelligent for being filmed back in the 30’s. I mean when you think of iconic movies or at least the top 10 movies of all time, this movie comes to mind. Now, personally, there’s many other movies I’d rather watch, but I can understand the sentiment. If you really want to blow your mind, you’ll pop in the Wizard of Oz on your VHS player and then start playing The Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd on your record player once the MGM lion roars. Mute the movie and just sit back brah. You tell me that Pink Floyd says it’s a coincidence that the music aligns perfectly with the movie?! Yeah right holmes. Another positive for this movie? Flying monkeys, can’t beat it. 76 years later and this movie has withstood the test of time, or else I wouldn’t have to offer my two cents. Or is it sense? I don’t know.
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Will Ferrell is just one of those actors where, no matter what he’s in, I will probably enjoy. This movie is no different. He and Mark Wahlberg are police officers, but not just any police officers, DESK police officers. Will is perfectly happy typing up reports and being a stiff, whereas Marky Mark, he’s a hothead. He wants back in the action. He shoots Derek Jeter ONE TIME and all of a sudden he’s chastised for it, the "Yankee Clipper" they call him, they should’ve given him a medal in my opinion. Will isn't respected in the office and it doesn't help when he does his first 'Desk Pop' (classic). These two are given the opportunity of a lifetime when stud policemen, Dwayne “Adam ‘The Rock’ DeMamp” Johnson and Samuel L. Jackson, epically jump off a roof and fall to their death. It’s up to Will and Mark to find out what the wtf is going on with this corporate tycoon and a team of bully mercenaries. It all shakes down pretty hilariously and the boys end up getting their man… or men? It’s tough to think what’s the funniest part about this movie? Whether its Gator’s bitches better be usin’ jimmies or its Michael Keaton working two jobs and reminding the wrong team that there is a rapist on the loose. Michael Keaton pretty much steals the movie and returns to comedy gold, I haven’t seen since Multiplicity. Will and Mark are both solid and each have their moments. Will shouting America while in a car chase or listening to the Little River Band and Mark just wanting to be a peacock or bring infatuated with Will's stunning wife Eva Mendes. Woof. I definitely recommend this for a watch.
3.5 out of 5 Stallones Requested by Max Durbin (@Durbs2255John) Reviewed by Chris So maybe it took me awhile, but I did it… I watched Reign Over Me. Casey and Joe would define me as the Adam Sandler guy although there is no merit to their claims. I do enjoy Punch Drunk Love and Spanglish, but pretty much every comedy after The Waterboy was lame. And another thing about the Reign Over Me request, it just HAD to be about 9/11 didn’t it?! We covered some pretty touchy subjects with no issues and now I’m left to review a drama… starring Adam Sandler… where his loses his family in 9/11 (“Always Remember”). This can’t end well for me. The movie, in a nutshell, yes, Adam Sandler loses his wife, daughters and dog on 9/11. The dude is a legit nut case afterwards and has been so for some time. In comes Dan Cheadle, Sandler’s old college roommate. Well Dan wants to fix Sandler, but Dan needs to pull a Michael Jackson and look at the man in the mirror. Dan’s life isn’t all that great either, he’s unappreciative of what he has. Sure his wife is Will Smith’s wife and all she does is do puzzles and fold napkins. Yeah she’s pretty lame too, but he married her! So anyways, the whole struggle is trying to get Sandler to talk about his family and get him better. He plays video games, watches Mel Brooks marathons and loves Chinese food. Sounds like a college life. The part I struggled with this entire movie is how outlandish some of the scenes were. This dude loses his family and they’re like… dude come on… what’s your deal?! Really?! Secondly, they chose Sandler for this role, ugh. He wasn’t awful throughout, but his New York accent goes in and out, sometimes its thick, sometimes he’s all giggly like he was on SNL. Every issue that arises in the movie is quickly solved without much effort except you never know if Sandler is better. Although they allude to it when they try and hook him up with another cra-cra hottie. The movie was entertaining, but it’s not close to being a good movie. Oh yeah, Liv Tyler is in it as the world’s worst psychologist. Donald Sutherland pops in as the judge who knows the entire issue after hearing 45 minutes of court talk. And Ryan from The Office plays his typical prick role. Typical.
2 out of 5 Stallones Requested by Jason H. Reviewed by Chris Movie review #311 was requested by none other than P-Nut, the bass player of the worlds greatest band 311. Much like his music, homie's got great taste in movies. There is no better movie about revenge than this movie. Dae-Su-Oh gets a little rowdy/tipsy one night and finds himself in a hotel room the following morning. There's only one problem, he can't get out. Dae spends the next 15 years locked in his fancy prison cell, catching up on Lost, teaching himself karate, and eating some delicious dumplings. He plans an escape and right before he goes through with it, he wakes up on a rooftop in a box. It is then time to figure out who imprisoned him and why. But the real question he should be asking is: why was he set free. I can't go into any further details about the plot because it is just too good and shouldn't be spoiled. The Korean version doesn't do as great of a job at building the suspense and backstory as the J Brolin movie and doesn't have Liz Olsen but it makes up for it with the facial expressions of Dae-Su. On top of that you get a great hammer fight where at one point he plays whack-a-mole with guys feet, you get amateur dentistry, and the #1 twist/ending to a movie that you'll ever see. Better than The Mist. Oldboy is a def watch. Spike Lee's remake is even better.
4/5 Stallones Requested by Aaron Wills @pnut Reviewed by Joe Paul's had a long day at work and just wants some tail. It presents itself in the form of Rosanna Arquette as he is reading a book in a restaurant. She gives her friends number and he ain't too cool for school, he calls the second he gets home. She invites him out to SoHo for some "after hours" activities and he jumps in a taxi drivin by Roger Rabbit. Paul proceeds to get into one misadventure after another. He rubs down her topless roomate, runs out on her after snooping through her prescription bag, exchanges keys with the dad from Home Alone, and gets chased by an angry gay mob led by the MOM from Home Alone, These are just a few of the random, interconnecting stories which take place throughout the movie. The guy just can't get home and only finds himself deeper in trouble. Had he of slept with the lovely Rosanna at the beginning, he'd of saved a lot of stress, and a chunk of his hair. It is somewhat entertaining to watch as he tries to navigate through all of these problems, but just has a weird tone throughout. Scorsese took on the movie after Last Temptation of Christ was delayed and it just seemed like he was more focused on various styles of dramatic shots, not really caring what feel they gave to the movie. It's still a decent movie, but I can see why it is not a more known Scorsese film.
2.5/5 Stallones Requested by Glenn Humplik @Humplik Reviewed by Joe A Short Horror movie based off a short Steve King story. Gramma is a bit off of her rocker. I guess seeing your husband ax his own head in half will have that kind of effect on you. She's left with 3 kids and does what you, I, heck anyone would do; make a deal with the devil. So she's like Mr. Devil, please keep my land and kids safe and I'll give you parts of my soul throughout my life. He says: "gee, let me think, sure". So her kids grow up to become intimate with Dylan Mcdermott (I'd say that deal is looking like it was worth it) and the other becomes Mark Duplass. I'll tell ya what, Duplass can act. He is money in this and Creep. Well Gramma's condition starts to get worse and she starts knockin people off. It's up to little billy to stop her and maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. Maybe he gets possessed by the demon. Maybe he doesn't. I ain't sayin. It's a decent horror flick, nothing really special, but entertaining. Could have done without the ghost dog though...
3/5 Stallones Requested by Ashley W. Reviewed by Joe Probably the most depressing movie ever made, and it’s true. A tale about a dog who finds Richard Gere and is turned into a pretty woman. Oh wait. A tale about a dog who finds Richard Gere, and becomes best buds. Hachiko follows Gere to the train station every day and waits for him to return. He is the Godfather of dogs as he walks around the neighborhood, and gets treats from the locals. I will say that it is pretty reckless that they just let their dog run around the neighborhood, but whatever. Gere wakes up one morning and Hachi knows something is up. He does his best to get Gere to stay home but fails. Here is where this movie one ups Marley and Me. It’s not enough to just have a nice story about a good dog and then kill it. Hachi takes it a step further and breaks the dog’s heart, then kills it. Gere goes to work and never comes home. His awful wife who didn’t want him in the first place doesn’t even take Hachi to the funeral. Shang Tsung read a prayer as he was lowered and I was quite disappointed that he didn’t end it with “Your Soul is Mine!”. The terrible wife then gives him away to their daughter who just had a punk kid who rams him with a bumper cart. Hachi, out of loyalty, or the fact that the rest of that family sucks, runs away and goes back to the train station to wait for Gere. He becomes a big story as he waits all day every day in the same spot for 10 years waiting for Gere to come home, sleeping under trains at night. The family doesn’t even go see him or bring him food each day, the hot dog guy does. Man, they suck. You see the seasons pass and Hachi go from young pup to old Yeller all while sitting in that spot, waiting. Hachi eventually wakes up one night knowing that it was time, goes to his spot, and passes on. Good luck not crying.
3.5/5 Stallones Requested by Molly H-W Reviewed by Joe So now America, with an open heart and an empty stomach, I say unto you in the words of some French dude’s uncle: ALLEZ REVIEW!
I don’t need any more reasons to hate the French. They wear striped shirts, they look like frogs, and their bread is too damn hard. This movie however has given me one more: their movies. Its 2 hours of guys talking with peanut butter in their mouth and slow motion in every fight scene to make it appear more badass. I think there was even a scene with a guy on a toilet and when he reached for the TP it was in slow motion. Basic premise of this movie: The French hate wolves, think that one in particular is killing everyone, so they go and kill all the wolves. A Frenchman and an Indian like wolves and tell the French: “HEY! STOP IT!” So they find out that there is foul play afoot and an elite society is using the real monster to mix things up. Fights happen, people die, lines are crossed. It’s not that bad of an idea for a movie but I think it was hurt by the mere fact that their special effects aren’t as great as ours, so it gave it more of a feel of a B movie. Put Liam in it and you probably have a hit. The thing I found most intriguing about this movie is that the chairman from Iron Chef plays the Native American. I had no idea he was an actor, I just thought he liked food. He’s doin flips and dives and spin kicks, WHO KNEW? It’s got action, horror, and betrayal…just a shame it was French. 1.5/5 Stallones Requested by Phil W. Reviewed by Joe Before he was Conan the Barbarian. Before he was the Terminator. And before he was Mr. Freeze. Arnold Schwarzenegger was... Handsome Stranger. Who? I know that's what I said when some joker requested this movie be reviewed. Nobody knows this, but Arnold was in a western/comedy back in the 70s before he set Hollywood on fire. The movie is a live action Wile. E Coyote vs the Road Runner. Arnold (Handsome Stranger) plays the Road Runner, except slower both in movement and thought. He is to escort a busty blonde through the country protecting her and her dad's money. Kirk Douglas (Cactus Jack) plays Wile. E, set out to steal said money and ravage the busty blonde. Now, I've always enjoyed the cartoon because it was only 3 minutes long. You chuckle, then watch Fudd blow off Daffy's face. This however is an Hour.30 of various trials and failures. It even included the classic paint on tunnel that Arnold drives through and then becomes a mountain when Kirk gives it a go. The first 20 minutes is actually pretty funny both Arnold's backstorys and Kirk's acrobatics, but then the gag just gets worn out. It even ends while playing the WB music and Kirk jumping around after getting a smootch. It doesn't take itself serious at all and so you cant't expect much going in. Worth watching just for Arnold in his baby blue western onesie.
2/5 Stallones Requested by Russ C Reviewed by Joe Ah yes, Thor, the mighty god of wind or lightning or some weather element. He certainly is fierce and something to behold (If you catch my drift, yama MAMA). This movie should pretty much be called Pre-Avengers or the Avengers Set-up movie. If there's no Avengers movie, this would be a waste, whereas the other Marvel movies I feel like they can stand on their own. This one is just about a bratty brother writing checks he can't cash. And that bratty brother does the same stuff in the Avengers. I WANT THE POWER, BOOHOO, I WANT TO BE BETTER THAN THOR, WAAHHHH. Thor gets banished from his planet for being too badass and while he's gone the bratty bro just jacks everything up. He allows bad guys to come into his kingdom, he wants daddy dead, he wants Thor dead. Well, Thor is on Earth mackin' on Natalie Portman, cause you know, why not?! Thor can't wield his mighty hammer (sexual innuendo maybe?!), until he sacrifices himself for his friends. It's at this point where it's on... ohhhh it's on. The destroyer that was sent by Loki to kill Thor on Earth is in for a world of hurt now that Thor is Thor again. Welp, Thor wins, everybody's happy, until they repeat everything again for the Avengers. But guess what, the Avengers was way better. The movie gets props for having Tony Hopkins as Odin, Thor's daddy, Natalie Portman and Stellan Skarsgaard. Chris Hemsworth was bred to play Thor, and judging by the requestor's request, he ain't too shabby to look at either. All in all, this is one of my least favorite Marvel movies, but I'm glad it was successful so the Avengers could get made.
2.5 out of 5 Stallones Requested by Amanda C. Reviewed by Chris Michael J Fox teams up with James Gardner (RIP) in search of the lost city of Atlantis. They compile a crack team that kind of resembles the Fast and Furious crew. They meet up with a scantily clad super old but looks young hottie, find the Island, and are led to some treasure. Then Mike gets double crossed by the greedy James Gardner (RIP) and has to put him in his place. The island is then threatened by molten "mag-ma" and they use a crystal to form a Gungan force field around the island. I don't know if anyone else noticed this or not, but during this intense scene, only Michael J. Fox's character was shaking. Weird. Well of course they prevail and everything ends happily with Mike staying with the City to make Lost Empire Babies. My son enjoys the movie and has told me it is specifically due to the bikini-clad girl. I'm a proud papa.
3/5 Stallones Requested by Amanda C. Reviewed by Joe Altogether! Whooo, Is that girl I seeee. Staring straight, back at me. Whheeen will myy reflection show, who I am inside! Before Christina Aguilera, there was Britney Spears, I MEAN Mulan. Before Orange is the New Black and Caitlyn Jenner, there was John Leguizamo, I MEAN MULAN! Mulan made it cool to become the opposite sex and then kick butt (Edited due to Disney Flick). China is under attack and forces 1 guy from every family to join the army. Mulan's dad is 180 years old and can barely slurp his soup so Mulan puts on some pants and joins. She is accompanied by a dragon voiced by the donkey in Shrek. Mulan proves that a girl can do anything a guy can do and sometimes better, giving way to feminists across America. See one in their 30s today...blame Mulan. She is eventually found out to be a girl and is banned from the Army. She doesn't go home though, she stays and saves the day. "I Saved the day Betty! I saved the day." The emperor is rescued and the General gets the hots for her. In the end she goes home to be with her family and the General shows up to become her boyfried. OOOOOH.
3/5 Stallones Requested by Amanda C. Reviewed by Joe True story about this movie, I rented it on VHS back in the day (it’s a thing look it up) and I really hated it. I was like what’s the big deal the dude’s fight and cause some havoc. SO WHAT WHO CARES?! What I FAILED to do is watch the last half hour of the movie. What an idiot. After a year or so, I came to my senses and rewatched the movie, including the ending. Talk about a 180. I mean the ending makes it and gives you appreciation for everything you just watched. Sure, I was like WTF just happened, but it was a good WTF. Edward Norton stars as the protagonist, ‘The Narrator’, and Brad Pitt is his new buddy Tyler Durden. Edward suffers from insomnia, working for the man and buying pointless shit from catalogs. Tyler brings into Eddie’s life a new fascination of chaos and fighting. After a random spat, Eddie and Brad get in a tussle, while others are watching.. they want in. What’s that, we have a new club on our hands? A FIGHT club?! What starts as a club evolves into a family which evolves into a cult. The fights progress into chaos in the streets as they attempt to blow up office buildings and really start messing with the establishment. Eddie starts to have enough, he wants out and he wants to stop Brad, but how does he do it? Well after a pretty major revelation at the end of the movie, Eddie realizes what he must do. I went back and forth on whether I should reveal the ending, but I’ll refrain. Sure it was made back in 1999 and if you haven’t watched you’re a bozo, but I’d rather not ruin it for that one person. Please watch the movie. It’s a great message about how we have become numb to our lives and everything we purchase is only hurting us. These guys create a fight club only to feel something. David Fincher directed this gem and it shows why he is one of my favorite directors. Helena Bonham Carter plays a pretty large role in this movie, but I am not a fan so I held off in mentioning her. She prevents the movie from getting 5 out of 5. Sound harsh? They could’ve picked anyone else and it would’ve been a 5.
4.5 out of 5 Stallones Requested by Matt B. Reviewed by Chris Our boy B Coop finally gets his due. He’s an A-Lister. What’s the first thing he does? Schedules 4 movies where he gets to bang Hollywood’s hottest star, Jennifer Lawrence. Smart man. She is the total package. Smokin, a great actress, and sassy. So much so she won an Oscar for her role in this. She should have won one for Winter’s Bone…but I digress. Silver Linings Playbook. B-Coop comes home early, finds his wife screwin around with a colleague, and goes berserker on him. A screw gets knocked loose in the old noggin and it is determined it is just safer he hang out with Chris Tucker than be out in the real world. After he takes a couple of chill pills, he is allowed to go under the supervision of the mom from Animal Kingdom (awesome movie) and some old guy named Rob DeNiro who is obsessed with the Eagles. B coop has one mission as a changed man, he wants to get back with his slut wife. But she’s afraid of him and slapped a restraining order from the incident. He meets J-law and she agrees to give his wife a letter he wrote under one condition…that he ballroom dances with her. Yeaaahh. So he does that, they fall in love of course, and his wife sees he is awesome. But he’s like no way, I have J-Law and you ain’t got no alibi, you ugly, step off Red! The movie is solid throughout with just great acting all around. It has jogging, suffocating ipod docks, and is centered around the Eagles. What else could you ask for? Well, a movie centered around the Dolphins instead for one, but that’s about it. Go Fins.
4/5 Stallones Requested by Brennan Reviewed by Joe The 2nd greatest Captain in the world is back, Captain America. Who’s the first you ask? Captain Crunch. Who’s #3? Captain Stubing from the Love Boat. Chris Evans returns all Mr. All American, and so does Scar-Jo (Black Widow) and Sam L Jackson for his 43rd rendition of Nick Fury. Seriously, how much is Sam Jackson getting paid for all of this, or he is just showing up? “NICK FURY MUST BE IN THIS SCENE M’ER F’ER!” “Okay, Mr. Jackson just don’t hurt me, I have a family!” This time around we’ve got Anthony Mackie adding some freshness as Falcon or the dude that just likes to jog. Robert Redford is sexy as ever as Alexander Pierce, Nick Fury’s friend and confidant (ppfftttt, teehee). As the Captain continues to adjust to the modern world, he, his team and SHIELD must figure out a new threat. BUT WHO DO THEY TRUST?! Nick Fury is attacked and killed (ppfftttt, teehee) and Captain and Black Widow are left to fend for themselves. Who is doing all of this?! Cut back to Alexander Pierce, who is Nick Fury’s “friend” mind you. There’s no way he’d be involved in all of these dastardly deeds. Oh sht, Pierce is secretly meeting with the Winter Soldier bad guy dude. Pierce you old sexy backstabber! Turns out that Hydra, the evil doers from the Nazi era have infiltrated SHIELD and now they are planning on releasing 3 hover planes that could destroy 20 million people. It’s up to Captain America to save the day. Thank god he’s not emotionally invested in anyone in the movie so far. Oh wait, the Winter Soldier, you wouldn’t happen to be… oh wait, no… it’s Bucky Dent! The Captain’s oldest and best friend! Ah dammit, now the Captain is all confused. When it comes down to it, Mr. America won’t fight Bucky but it doesn’t matter, the good guys win and Nick Fury, no way he’s ALIVE?! blows away Alexander Pierce. I enjoyed this movie, but it’s not without its flaws. The twists and turns are apparent and sometimes when there’s gunfights in a conference room, maybe everyone shouldn’t just be standing. Also, was Alexander Pierce such a bad guy? He was so good looking of course and he was only killing 20 million people to save 7 BILLION. Sounds like an even trade off to me. SDC/Trump 2016! Give the movie a watch, it’s all building up to the Avengers 2 as well as the Captain America Civil War extravaganza. Comic book movies are awesome now.
3.5 out of 5 Stallones Reviewed by Chris Requested by Matt B. From about 1985 to about 1995 Arnold could not do anything wrong. Every movie of his was great. Sure he is a terrible character actor but c'mon his action movies were the best and even some of his comedy's were gold. ( Twins, Kindergarten cop ) Running Man was no exception. Arnold plays Ben Richards a wrongly convicted man who must survive a public execution during a game show. What makes this movie so great is the bad guys who are trying to kill him. Guys like Fireball played by Jim Brown and Captain Freedom played by Jesse the Body Ventura.
4 out of 5 Stallones Requested by Matt B. Reviewed by Casey Parents is directed by Bob Loblaw's Law Blog and stars Dennis Quaid's big bro Randle. I couldn't exactly tell what this movie was supposed to be. A dark comedy I guess but really it wasn't that funny or that scary. It had a little wiener kid who's head was too big for his body, snoopin around thinking that his parents were people eaters. Randy Quaid, dressed as the dad from Heroes, plays the worlds worst dad, and is none too fond that his son doesn't have a taste for human. If given the opportunity to try, would you? I might. Anyways, after a dream sequence in which I thought Take On Me would start playing, the kid finds out, narcs on his parents, and an all out brawl ensues. It's a cult classic I guess and is somewhat entertaining, but just a little to out there for me.
1.5/5 Stallones Requested by Melany @MetaGravy Reviewed by Joe This movie gets the distinction of being our earliest movie reviewed to date. Released in 1967, Cool Hand Luke tells the story of Luke, Paul Newman, the convict who refuses to listen to the man. Newmie ain’t your typical convict; he’s a war vet who gets sentenced to prison after some drunken shenanigans with parking meters. Oh how times have changed. Luke’s prison life involves his rebellion against authority, gaining the trust and friendship of the chain gang. Sure, he has to get his ass beat by the guy who played Ed Hocken in the Naked Gun series and eat a crap ton of eggs, but the men start to admire Luke. He even gets a solid nickname after bluffing with a terrible poker hand. The boys dub him ‘Cool Hand Luke.’ OH THAT’S WHERE THAT COMES FROM. Luke becomes determined to escape after his sick mother passes away and the warden puts him on lockdown. I won’t ruin the ending because either, you saw the movie and forgot what happened, or you haven’t seen it and you should. There are some classic quotes from this movie, ranging from, “what we’ve got here is a failure to communicate” to the usage of “boss”. If you’re anti-establishment and don’t like people telling you what to do then this is your movie. It’s just one of those movies you have to watch because of its given ‘Classic’ status.
3.5 out of 5 Stallones Requested by Rich W. Reviewed by Chris First off, French we miss you and I don't want Justin Verlander so stop offering him. The movie on today's agenda is Taken. A bad ass action movie that helped bring Liam Neeson to superstardom. Bryan Mills is a retired CIA agent trying to rekindle his relationship with his daughter Kim (played by Columbus' own Maggie Grace). He wasn't the best papa and hubby before because he was too busy killing chumps. Kim wants to go to the UK to follow around U2. Lame. Daddy reluctantly agrees. When Kim and her friend arrive in the UK this creeper dude offers them help but they have no idea what awaits. After they get settled into the apartment Kim is on her phone with her papa and then BOOM a bunch of French's storm the apartment to kidnap the two chicks. Bryan consoles Kim by saying she's gonna get Taken and then she gets Taken. That's father of the year stuff right there. Some doucher picks up the phone and doesn't even flinch when Bryan does what he does best, talk on the phone like a bad ass. I peed a little. Bryan gets to the UK asap. He is able to narrow it down to an Albanian group who took his daughter. They steal girls for sex trafficking. I don't trust Albanians anymore because of this movie, true story. Anyways, Bryan does a shit ton of killing and action moves as he makes his way to his daughter. Eventually he gets her back and everything is all better. Except that they made two terrible sequels. And all Liam does are action movies now. I can't complain all of them have been good besides the follow ups to this movie. This was an unexpectedly awesome movie. I had no idea Liam Neeson could be so intimidating or kill so many foreign people. And what does this teach us? Never travel to the UK or you could get Taken. OH HE SAID IT!
4 out of 5 Stallones Requested by French Reviewed by Chris The Director: Hey lets give Checkov his own staring role in an adaptation of a terrible Dean Koontz novel.
Me: Hey lets not and say we did! Koontz is a hack. He is a wannabe Steve King. This movie is so incredibly stupid. Listen, if you want to watch a movie about only one person seeing dead people, you know where to go. If you want to watch a terrible version of that movie where the ghosts look like venom from Spiderman 3, then sit back and enjoy the snooze-fest that is Odd Thomas. I know what your saying, but hey, Willem Dafoe is in this movie, it has to be at least somewhat decent right? WRONG. Although I agree that Mr. Dafoe is awesome, he will basically sign on to do anything. Seriously, the guy pops up in every single movie I watch. I am pretty sure this is the first in a series so look out, there's probably a crappier sequel on its way. .5/5 Stallones Requested by Ashley W. Reviewed by Joe When this movie was requested I had no idea what the hell it was. I read it was Spanish, Science-Fiction, Horror and I just prayed there weren’t subtitles. I even contemplated reviewing Double Dragon and saying it was an error on my part. Boy I wish I would’ve watched Scott Wolf instead. The movie opens and our protagonist, Paul, is scuba diving and exploring the open sea…he comes upon a grand opening, a circular entrance. As Paul jolts himself awake, he was clearly dreaming of deep sea diving. Deep sea diving, in a toilet known as this movie. Paul also dreams of a topless mermaid and once he wakes up he denies his hot girlfriend of sex. Just when I thought it was promising it gets ruined rather quickly. Paul, his gf and another couple are sailing the open sea when all of a sudden a terrible special effects storm rolls in and blows them into a rock in the middle of the damn sea. Makes sense. The other couple gets injured in the wreck. Paul and his gf go to get help on a life raft as big as the stupid sailboat. Once they reach land, not all is what it seems, there is terrible acting abound and the priest has webbed hands! He’s a freak! M’er f’er you see anyone with webbed hands around the sea, you get the eff outta there. Welp, Paul trusts his gf in the hands of strangers and she gets taken. Paul goes back to find the other couple on the boat and they’re taken. Paul, you suck like this movie. When Paul gets back, a bunch of crackheads try to capture him when he stumbles on Spanish Nick Nolte. I read American Nick Nolte was 2 cheese sandwiches away from signing on to do this movie, but there was a topless scene later on that Nick was uncomfortable with. After another chase scene, Paul ends up in the room of another hottie. It’s at this point where Paul is like, forget my other friends and my gf, imma get me some of this. He starts making out with this chick and gets her top off, but then all of a sudden, BOOM, she’s got tentacles for legs. SAY WHAT?! Freaked out, Paul gets the heck outta dodge. He steals a car and finds a house. HOW DOES HE KNOW WHERE TO GO?! More terrible acting from a child in this house and Casey’s doppelganger with tentacles attacks Paul. Paul gets away. Let me just say Paul EVENTUALLY gets captured, reunited with his gf and the girl of the other couple. The dude from the other couple gets killed off-screen. Paul and his gf console her by telling her to forget about him and that you’re doing okay. She was missing a leg and got f’ed by a tentacle creature. That chick eventually takes the samurai way out and cuts out her insides stating, “It’s the only way”. Of course it is. Paul and Spanish Nick Nolte end up chained up in a torture room together. Spanish Nick Nolte is about to have his face ripped off, literally, when he thanks Paul for helping him remember who he is and remember about his daddy. M’er f’er, Paul got you dead and you’re face is .5 seconds from getting scalped. Yeah they show his face getting taken off. Maybe top 20 most gruesome scenes I’ve seen. Spanish Nick Nolte takes it like a champ though… “ahhhh, ahhhh, ahhhh”. The whole time. Paul escapes and kills some freaks. He catches up to where the town is sacrificing his gf. She’s dangling in her birthday suit above this huge ass abyss-like pool. She’s about to be sacrificed to Dagon, OH THAT’S WHAT THAT IS! Paul tries to save her and nearly does until this huge lochness monster (I was so scared) pops out from the water to snag her, the lucky dog. Paul you still suck. The hottie with tentacles is there and reveals to Paul that he is one of Dagon’s children; it was fate that brought him back. M Night Shaymalan must’ve helped write that twist. Paul doesn’t take the news so well and he lights himself on fire, and magically when he’s on fire he has gloves on?! The terrible effects show up again and the tentacled hottie dives at Paul to save him. They land in the water and a burnt Paul swims through that toilet bowl that he dreamt of in the beginning. I cannot make this up people. This movie was pretty terrible, but for the sake of the SDC, I sacrificed myself. I have no idea how H.P. Fluff n’ Stuff has a cult following. Paul is not one to cheer for as he forgets about his friends and gf for like 75% of the movie and he uses a Swiss army knife to try and save himself. I won’t give it 0 out of 5 because there were parts so bad they were funny, and because of Paul’s gf. Other than that, watch at your own risk.
0.5 out of 5 Stallones Requested by Ashley Reviewed by Chris Oh Keanu, just when I thought I was out, you PULL me back in! So it goes for the oft entertaining John Wick, Keanu plays an assassin whose outta the game. He don’t want none anymore, he found himself a honey and he’s content. Well things don’t go as planned for him as his wife passes away. Sure enough, this dame leaves him a dog to keep him company. Wife of the century?! There he is, dog and Keanu, sharing acting lessons, when all of a sudden some thuglets (young thugs) want to jack his car. They go way too far and beat the bejesus outta Keanu and tragically kill his dog. Okay you have me hooked John Wick, these m’er f’ers need to be strung up by their nips and treated like a piñata with various utensils. Leave it to Keanu to seek vengeance. And revenge he gets. He’s out of retirement to avenge his dogs’ death and clean up any of the other trash along the way. Go figure that the main thuglet is Keanu’s formers boss’s kid. Yeah it just got real. In order to protect his son, daddy thug sends a message to all other thugs, get Keanu. Boy do they try and fail miserably. Keanu is on point and setting his sights on daddy thug. I won’t ruin the ending, not that it really matters. This movie is what you pay for, entertainment and action. There’s something about Keanu not talking or acting and just blowing m’er f’ers away. Best line from the movie, “people keep asking if I’m back and I haven’t really had an answer, but yeah, I’m thinking I’m back.” Aka don’t F with Keanu’s dog you sick bastards. Willem Dafoe makes an appearance in the movie and so does Mayhem from those commercials. I have good news to report that there will be a sequel with Keanu set to return as John Wick. Early word is that a group of thugs will kill his pet gerbil. OH MY.
3.5 out of 5 Stallones Requested by Shane Reviewed by Chris Released in 1994, I was 9 when this first came out. Needless to say, I saw this movie on VHS (look it up kids). Director Jimmy Cameron was faced with the impossible task of following one of the best action movies ever made Terminator 2. He does a decent job in making this action comedy. Arnold plays his typical secret agent bad guy who does it all, but this time around, he's gotta keep it all a secret from his wife Jamie Lee. Oh no! I remember watching this with my dad, Jamie unknowingly does a striptease for Arnold, and my dad told me to cover my eyes of course I did but my fingers weren't blocking nothing I saw the whole thing. Take that parenting! So anyways, this is still the most famous thing Tom Arnold has done after Roseanne. Bill Pullman is pretty solid as a fake secret agent who just wants to bang Jamie Lee. The movie is 2 and a 1/2 hours which is too long, and even though it's supposed to be over the top, sometimes it's too much. Fun fact: Jamie Lee won a Golden Globe for her role in this movie.
2.5 out of 5 Stallones Requested by Rob Reviewed by Chris Top 10 80's movie for me starring Ice Man ( Val Kilmer ) as a college student who just wants to have fun. Along the way he takes a young geeky kid under his wings to show him how to have fun in college. Its your typical 80's cheesy movie with 80's music and of course another college student who doesn't agree with Kilmer and tries to get them kicked out. Oh but you don't back Kilmer in a corner baby! Spoiler alert the good guys win in the end. All the good guys won in 80's movies. Its not a spoiler.
4/5 Stallones Requested by Chuck Reviewed by Casey What can I say about an a Capella musical comedy that hasn’t already been said? Seriously, what can I say, I don’t know what is said about these movies. First off, Pitch Perfect was surprisingly enjoyable. I totally felt like the lead character Beca (played by Anna Kendrick mmm mmm) watching this movie. I wasn’t interested, didn’t want to be there but ultimately I ended up enjoying the experience. So the movie is about like these group of girls, who like come together, in spite of all odds, and like sing and win an a Capella tournament. It starts with Anna Kendrick totally not wanting to go to school and totally wanting to be a DJ, but like her dad is all like, you just gotta try it for a year ya know? Reluctantly, Anna Kendrick is like okay whatever dad I’ll give it a shot. As she like becomes more involved with her BFFs, she totally starts to dig the singing and college. The movie is not without its conflict though, as the group’s leader Aubrey totally doesn’t dig what Anna brings to the table. There’s this whole showdown between the team but Anna totally wins. There’s that, plus there's a hunky boy Jesse who Anna totally gets with, but then hates, but then gets with again. Adam Devine from Workaholics is in it which gives it an automatic point, Anna Kendrick gives another point and me liking the movie gives it another point. It’s not a great movie and it’s pretty cheesy because it’s all like happy ending stuff. But it’s worth a watch.
3 out of 5 Stallones Requested by Erin Reviewed by Chris |